I used to BE – (past tensed used cus it’s pretty much a history) – the oldest ! Wildest ! Craziest ! & Hurting myself unintentionally ., too often, too predictable – & visible physically!!!
Ironically.. I still join the diff groups when I am back in LALA land.. Surprisingly .. I am able to go attend my girls gathering without excuses nor embarrass to decline and alcohol intake AT all.. I just told them my son dislike me drinking & this is a mere fact .. I need no reason but to b proud I had at least a man that cares …
They do tease me at the very beginning & thought I wanted a break from drunken valley .. As usual .. They do not force me to drink but seducing tempting verbals to aggravate my tolerance I reckoned – that I definitely hv no issue ! Drunk drive -? No worth n I had no urge to hv the leisure to b drunk,,,,!! I hv no privilege to be un sober now.
In retrospect , I drank those days Cus I was too free, too bore, too afraid to be sane ! Too tired to get sober!
Where else now….I hv no time for the hungover & capsule never enjoy cus all I hv in mind is work thus I can’t afford to lose time I could deal with the social gatherings with zeRO alcohol intake !!!
The main point is my growing son – seemed to resent the drunken mom which he is very much a chauvinist.. I declared.
I have not been good with my duty as mom.. I confessed but I did try so hard & I finally drop him this wharsapp message …
“””I don’t wan to be nagging at U so I hope my efforts to try as a mom – gets a little appreciation ! Son ! I m so helpless ! N I m feeling that whatever or however hard I try to cope , u wil not see my patience & I am indeed stupid like the wings u perceived ! I must admit , I can never give up on u ! Seeing your commitment to the game really woke me up ! I am messy but I packed the whole house n set up my comp all by myself. !! Son , I respect your privacy n never even attempt to open the locked door , I hope one day . – I wil wait like I rushed so bad to want to send u to KK without realizing u swooped the tuition time ! Pls do. Not feel bad but I m letting it out n need to let u know ! Pls forgive ur mom …. & put a little effort to make your attitude detour from disrespect ,,””
I wrote this to my son in the ktv wen I had been rushing all day n can’t find time to rest or say no to these girls for that night’s gathering .. I was troubled by facts that I hv to take full responsibility ..
When the son misbehaved ! It’s always the parents fault ! I was brought up this way to take blames which I reason the situation .. N looking back – I m both the chore of a mom n dad hence, coping was never easier .. As he grows ..& adolescent has a mind of itself ..I am being rational …n I weigh his bad & of cus his intelligence…
Seriously he is just messy. N bad time management ! At 16 he stays in my premises! Just to play games is better than he is never home ! I m blessed
I told him I was a bad example that’s y I apologized
Last night aft reading my text he realized he need to see if I was still mad – a relief thought in disguised ..He came to ask how long is taking his iPad to be repaired. I knew the look of his face to see if he knocks I still open
Sometimes I try not to speak to him wen I hv anger, I don’t want to regret saying words of impulsive- I drifted my part as a moms duty ! 3 years back ! He was still sleeping at 10ish – wen I start the company – he used to sleep with me but I had to stop Cus he is a boy aft all ! I m afraid that he had no more curiosity if he still does ! A lot of ppl told me it was not right ‘! I had a hard time letting him go !& just right this instant … I never regret but wistfully missing those bond that lingered this freaking long !
If u wander why I m writing these belated complaints .. The author! Now it’s not me ! She is penny ! Now left penniless ,, the puffs always leaked the other side of the mirror ! I used to hv the privilege to doll up my words in flowery poetry n blogged them as my constant memory! – never sorry – no angry — I hv used the post of Instagram n FB uploads as paragraph momentary – pieces the puzzles shall b my life story ! Was glory ! Now a tint of sorry ! .. I thank lord I saw myself transforming to be the most patient being I never knew.. N my son would b the only answer.. Amen.