2015’s last days  of the lunar CNY comes to a summary of my happy errands – son ordered H&M by cyber on sight No dime paid ! – & for my old papa – ample  &  just so contented watching him finished his favorite (鲜片鱼锅配米饭– )fish mehoon  – at a frale of ripping Almost 80!~ he is aging gracefully – I hv my promises to see dad every week when I m in town – that was my promises to me  ! 

My only means To Hv a childhood in the past











ALMOST Fixing all the things I could barely meet the deadline. But the news of #RIP #LKY – our lost of the founding father of lion city stirred those turmoils of  emotion as I am writing this instant. The red DOT that lies on the equator  he made it significantly recognized ain’t Gona be the same. . .? Perhaps …. Maybe .. Controversially .. Just my own statement of grief!!! I’ was not able to gather myself like all nationwide’s spiritual of paying the last respect – I was just under those AVOIDANCE blanket in Japan or even back in lala land 2 days ago instead….  

I was automatically awakened  by substance , to see me thru doctors’ appointments – to face what I saw as reality… ,!, emotionally despaired… I was on sedative (this round ) just to attempt the avoidance I have had since childhood now I could vividly see.  
My intuitions, my voice once again was affirmatively correct about the shrink BOB,  that was so very mean to me . The second meeting I planned not to be late & I stood on the right path Cus his piecing eyes seemed to see through the slightest lie wen locked with eyes of mine .
I held back no denials like the first encounter.,, I let history revealed the childhood…. A fatigue memory I subconsciously dug a grave and had it all buried .   
While I was worried he could not decipher my scribbled notes of given HOMEWORK,! Yet amazingly ,  he went thru those scribbled notes & made his way thru …on my side – like an obedient child I don’t want to see him emptied handed — but the 300 words of one incident of my childhood  – ( after 100 words of intro) I decided to face him while I narrate the only lucid scene of my childhood was that I packed my red/black checked suitcases that most kindergarten at 1977 used- I was a runaway child — from Keong Siak Streeet to Pagoda/Smith Street — I walked & turned away from home to seek my warmth of my childless fostering couple ( they were an old couple that reside at Bukit Merah View — and every time I passed the building ( even though they were gone physically when I was still at a tender age) I have recollections of flashbacks each time .
To my own friends and anyone that is close knew I dread to mention about my childhood as I openly affirmed I have none – I had erased that part of my life – and with much guilt , I caused my own son inadequately to be deprive of passing years of  festive atmosphere or the joys of enjoying the mood of any festival any could mentioned but I – only oppositely defy.!!  – resentful as I am – I’m the cause of this quick minded boy the deprivation I myself grew  the morbid within it.. I am responsible but it is just too late to had it fixed?… The cause of a undiagnosed female phenotype of neurological deficits struggling with impairments and substances abuse… But self awareness was constantly a self restraint of what is righteous against humanity perception complied! Thus, I think it’s time I try harder than I previously did to align. 
The past could nevertheless be rectified not could it be back to the Childhood to rectify. I saw what BOB made me see as evil root in simplify. The appetite suppressant of Concerta dosage I struggled  to rely.. My consciousness of an addict is definitely not a lie…. My safety net  to me was always the avoidance I modify- …
 A place where I created to deal with no repeated advantages taken in daily pry …from repeated bad debts and discrimination was  place foreign was actually by getting HiGH ! Drowning in music notes tat I was not taught was simply to memorize ..
Tearing in solitary confinement was a shield to fight against responsible assign….
Creating the art was my challenged task to keep up my morbidity n survive.
This IS the tale of mine.. The next step is to make things wrong from right? 
The path ain’t Gona be easy , Cus is now a battle between deficits & pride.